"Horror."
"Ah, you're not one of those girls, huh."
"One of what girls?" He sticks a DVD into the player and presses play, coming to sit beside me on the bed.
"One of those girls that's afraid of a movie."
"I've never got why people get scared, they're just movies. What're we watching?"
"You'll see." I wait a few minutes for the movie menu and groan.
"Watchmen, seriously? That's not horror." He grins and shrugs.
"I was gonna put this in no matter what you said anyway. What's wrong with Watchmen?"
"I was never into the whole comic movie thing."
"So you don't like Spider Man or X-Men or any of those?" I shake my head and he mock gasps. "Well you're watching it with me anyway."
"I bet you just like the glowy blue guy cause he's naked half the movie."
"You got me." This almost makes me smile. I'm surprised to learn that I'm actually having a good time with Shay. It's been so long since I've genuinely liked the person I'm with. Huh, weird. About half way through Shay turns to me. "Want a drink? I think there's some Gatorade in the fridge upstairs."
"Sure." He gets up and leaves the room toward the kitchen upstairs. When he doesn't return five minutes later I start to wonder where he got to. I don't have to wonder for long, however, as soon I hear yelling coming from upstairs. I get off the bed and stand beside the door, trying to hear what's going on.
"...she is."
"Don't think so. Now get out or I'm calling the cops." I jump a little as I realize it's Doug. Is he really that mad that he'd come back the next day? I look around the room and spot a window near the ceiling. I climb up on the dresser and open it enough to fit through, relieved that there's no screen. I shimmy through the window and try my best to close it from the outside. I turn around and am glad to see that I'm in the backyard, away from the kitchen windows. I run across the backyard and spot a smallish hole in the fence. I run through it and take off down the street.
I run down a few streets and slow to a walk when I'm sure I won't be found by anyone I know. I turn another corner and jog down the street to my little hideout. I found it within a few months of living here and as far as I know, not a lot of other people come here. I move the board and climb inside, breathing deeply to get air back in my body.
I climb up the ladder to the second floor and crawl over to the comfiest spot I could find up here. I've gathered a few things and stored them away up here so they wouldn't get stolen. Stuff like this makes me wonder why me, but I stopped dwelling on that a long time ago. There's no point in thinking too hard about things that I can't change. I wonder sometimes what my life would be like if my mom had of lived, but that just depresses me, so I don't think about that often either.
I move a small piece of wood and look out onto the street. I didn't realize this before, but looking out from here, I can see the cross street to Geoff's street. This way I'll get some sort of advanced warning if anyone comes this way. I put the wood back and lay on my back, wondering what my next move will be. I don't have the best thing going here, but I'm not miserable. Maybe I should have taken that train ride. Now I'm too worried about Doug to go out anywhere just in case he finds me. I don't like being afraid of someone.
"Hey Mick, you in here?"
"Swift?"
"Yeah, where are yah?"
"Hang on, I'll climb down."
"Climb down?" I climb back down the ladder and walk over to Swift, standing a few feet from him.
"How'd you know I was here?"
"I saw you come in. Who the fuck is Doug?" Great.
"He's no one." He crosses his arms.
"Doesn't sound like no one to me. He's been asking around, tryin'a find you. Stupid faggy ass. I told him to fuck off." I give Swift a small smile. As annoying as he can get, he's actually an all right guy. If anyone wants to mess with me, he's usually first in line to kick their ass. "So what's the deal?"
"It's stupid. He called on me, I went to his house, he did and said stuff I wasn't comfortable with, I bit him, ran off, he's been following me."
"What the fuck? Where'd you stay last night?"
"Same place as the night before." A silly grin lights up his face. "And it was nothing like that. I think the guy's developed into a friend without me realizing it."
"I'm gonna fuckin' kick his ass." I roll my eyes.
"He's like seven feet taller than you." Swift is a mighty 5 foot nothing, but acts as if he's 10 feet tall. Gets him into trouble a lot. "Look, I've got two guys helping me out. I'd feel terrible if I was the reason you ended up in the hospital." He shakes his head and I can see his knuckles turn white. "Please?" He stops scowling, but his knuckles stay white.
"I'm not gonna sit around for long, Mickey. He's gonna get what's comin' to him." I nod and smile a little.
"I know, but just let me handle this." He finally agrees and after much convincing he leaves me alone in the building. I climb back up to my spot and end up drifting off to sleep.
26 April 2012
The Impossibility Of Sensibility, Chapter 17
It takes a long time for me to fall asleep. Not considering Emmett's body temperature is that of the snow outside, I don't want to fall asleep and wake up to find it was all a dream. "You're still not sleeping, Jilly." I smile shyly in the darkness.
"You feel like a freezer." I feel him raise his head a little.
"Do you need another blanket?" I'm wrapped in two quilts and have another laying between us.
"No, I'm fine."
"Are you sure? I can lay farther away if you're too cold." I shake my head and grip his shirt.
"Don't even think about it." He chuckles for a second before falling quiet. I glance up at his face to see that it's very serious and thoughtful.
"What happened?" I frown.
"What do you mean?"
"To put yourself in the hospital."
"I told you how it happened. I stopped eating and -"
"No. I know what you told me, I want to hear what really happened. The Jillian I knew never would have done something so stupid." My frown deepens and I lean up on my elbow.
"The Jillian you knew doesn't exist anymore. She died the night you left." He shakes his head.
"I don't believe it. You're strong and full of life, Jill. You always have been. It's one of the things that I love about you."
"You've been gone a long time, Emmett. Things are different." I settle back down onto my pillow. "Are you ever going to see your family again?"
"No, it's too dangerous."
"Why?"
"I thought we agreed tonight was just about us. No questions." I look up to see him smiling.
"I hope my mom doesn't decide to wake me up tomorrow. That would be hard to explain."
"I'd hear her coming. Don't worry."
"Why did you come today?"
"Because of your wish."
"How do you know what I wished for?" His smile deepens.
"I have my ways. Now shush, it's late, go to sleep." I smile a little and lay back on my pillow. I don't know how he knew but I'm glad he did.
**
I step on the scale and close my eyes. Last month I weighed 111, four pounds short of the 115 minimum to stop being seen by Dr Cullen. "115 on the nose. Congratulations, Jillian." I hop off and do a dance.
"Finally. I'm so happy."
"Now, I just need to let you know that although you are of a healthy weight now, it is very easy to slip back into old habits when the threat of being hospitalized again is gone." I nod while putting on my boots.
"I know that. But I also know that I'm happier now than I've been in a very long time so I don't think that will happen, Dr Cullen." A slight smile makes it's way onto his face.
"I'm glad. And if you ever need anything you can always call me, day or night." I nod again. "If you don't have any questions you're free to go." I shake my head and stand up.
"I don't think so." Dr Cullen stands up and opens his office door for me.
"Have a good day, Jillian."
"You too, Dr Cullen. Bye!" I skip down the hall to my father, who's waiting at his usual spot. He stands up and I hug him.
"Good news, I presume?" I nod and smile up at him.
"I can stop coming!" He leads me out of the hospital and to the family car.
"That's fantastic. I'm proud of you, Jill. We'll have to celebrate."
"My birthday was just weeks ago. Don't put yourself out again." He shakes his head.
"It's no trouble at all. You deserve it." I smile, feeling like my life is coming back on track after so long. Of course not the track it was originally on, but close enough that I am content, if not down right happy. Instead of driving right home my father drives to the ice cream shop. It's a nice treat and I enjoy spending time with him. We don't do it enough.
After Father drops me off at home I go to my room and flop down on my bed, wondering if I'll see Emmett tonight. He's been over a few times since that first night and I've gotten a few questions answered. Not enough to satisfy my curiosity though. Hopefully in time everything will make sense and Emmett and I will be able to carry out our lives like we were supposed to.
One can hope, anyway.
"You feel like a freezer." I feel him raise his head a little.
"Do you need another blanket?" I'm wrapped in two quilts and have another laying between us.
"No, I'm fine."
"Are you sure? I can lay farther away if you're too cold." I shake my head and grip his shirt.
"Don't even think about it." He chuckles for a second before falling quiet. I glance up at his face to see that it's very serious and thoughtful.
"What happened?" I frown.
"What do you mean?"
"To put yourself in the hospital."
"I told you how it happened. I stopped eating and -"
"No. I know what you told me, I want to hear what really happened. The Jillian I knew never would have done something so stupid." My frown deepens and I lean up on my elbow.
"The Jillian you knew doesn't exist anymore. She died the night you left." He shakes his head.
"I don't believe it. You're strong and full of life, Jill. You always have been. It's one of the things that I love about you."
"You've been gone a long time, Emmett. Things are different." I settle back down onto my pillow. "Are you ever going to see your family again?"
"No, it's too dangerous."
"Why?"
"I thought we agreed tonight was just about us. No questions." I look up to see him smiling.
"I hope my mom doesn't decide to wake me up tomorrow. That would be hard to explain."
"I'd hear her coming. Don't worry."
"Why did you come today?"
"Because of your wish."
"How do you know what I wished for?" His smile deepens.
"I have my ways. Now shush, it's late, go to sleep." I smile a little and lay back on my pillow. I don't know how he knew but I'm glad he did.
**
I step on the scale and close my eyes. Last month I weighed 111, four pounds short of the 115 minimum to stop being seen by Dr Cullen. "115 on the nose. Congratulations, Jillian." I hop off and do a dance.
"Finally. I'm so happy."
"Now, I just need to let you know that although you are of a healthy weight now, it is very easy to slip back into old habits when the threat of being hospitalized again is gone." I nod while putting on my boots.
"I know that. But I also know that I'm happier now than I've been in a very long time so I don't think that will happen, Dr Cullen." A slight smile makes it's way onto his face.
"I'm glad. And if you ever need anything you can always call me, day or night." I nod again. "If you don't have any questions you're free to go." I shake my head and stand up.
"I don't think so." Dr Cullen stands up and opens his office door for me.
"Have a good day, Jillian."
"You too, Dr Cullen. Bye!" I skip down the hall to my father, who's waiting at his usual spot. He stands up and I hug him.
"Good news, I presume?" I nod and smile up at him.
"I can stop coming!" He leads me out of the hospital and to the family car.
"That's fantastic. I'm proud of you, Jill. We'll have to celebrate."
"My birthday was just weeks ago. Don't put yourself out again." He shakes his head.
"It's no trouble at all. You deserve it." I smile, feeling like my life is coming back on track after so long. Of course not the track it was originally on, but close enough that I am content, if not down right happy. Instead of driving right home my father drives to the ice cream shop. It's a nice treat and I enjoy spending time with him. We don't do it enough.
After Father drops me off at home I go to my room and flop down on my bed, wondering if I'll see Emmett tonight. He's been over a few times since that first night and I've gotten a few questions answered. Not enough to satisfy my curiosity though. Hopefully in time everything will make sense and Emmett and I will be able to carry out our lives like we were supposed to.
One can hope, anyway.
22 April 2012
The Impossibility Of Sensibility, Chapter 16
I'm laying in bed reading a book when I hear the phone ring. I don't bother to get up because I figure someone else will get it. After the 5th ring I sigh, mark my page, and hurry down to the lobby to grab the phone.
"Hello?" No one answers. "Hello?" I wait another few seconds before getting a peculiar feeling that it's Emmett on the other end. "Emmett?" Click. I stare at the receiver before placing it back in the cradle. Why would he call just to hang up? I frown while staring at the phone.
It's been two weeks since I talked to Dr Cullen about seeing Emmett and no one's called to tell me what's going on. I've tried going to the hospital but he's always either busy or has just left. I'm beginning to wonder if this meeting is going to happen at all. "Jillian, who was that on the phone, dear?" I turn around to see my mother.
"I don't know. They hung up." She frowns as she takes off her gloves. When she looks back up at me there's a smile on her face.
"So I know your birthday isn't for a few weeks, but I was wondering if there's anything special you'd like to do? We could go into the city to the cinema and have dinner. Just the two of us." I force a smile onto my face.
"Sure, that sounds fun." Mother beams.
"Wonderful." I turn back around and walk up the stairs to my room. The only thing I want for my birthday is to see Emmett.
**
"Aren't you cold, Greg?" He laughs and shakes his head. It's freezing outside and all he's wearing is a pullover.
"Didn't you know I'm cold blooded? Like a snake." He pretends to hiss at me. I just roll my eyes. We're walking to the market to pick up stuff for my birthday dinner tomorrow. I'm going to be 19. Greg glances over at me so I look over at him. He's got a thoughtful look on his face.
"What?"
"Could I tell you something?"
"Anything."
"Do you remember meeting Addison?" I think but can't really remember.
"Not really. Why?"
"Well, I want to ask her to marry me." I stop and grab his arm.
"Really? That's great." A smile lights his face.
"You think so? I didn't want to if you didn't think it was a good idea." We continue walking.
"Why wouldn't I think it's a good idea?" He hesitates and I know what he's thinking.
"Well.. because of Emmett. I know you still miss him." I look down at my feet as we walk.
"Yeah, I do."
"So I didn't want to get married if it was going to upset you." Tears spring to my eyes and I surprise myself and Greg by giving him a hug. I don't think we've hugged since we were kids.
"You're too sweet, Greg. I couldn't ask for a better big brother." I pull back and look up into his face. "Of course you should ask her!" He smiles and hugs me again. After a few seconds we continue walking. "When are you going to?"
"I was thinking of our anniversary, which is only a couple weeks away. I want to make it special."
"I'm sure she'll love whatever you plan. I'll have to meet her again."
"She's been dying to meet you but I didn't want to disrupt your progress or anything. I figure since it's been almost a year since you've been home that now would be the time."
"This is a great birthday present. I'm so happy for you." Greg takes my hand and we swing our arms together the rest of the way to the market.
**
I look around awkwardly as everyone sings me Happy Birthday. When the time comes to make a wish I close my eyes and think I wish I could see Emmett just one more time and blow out the candles. While everyone's clapping and someone turns the light back on, I catch a glimpse of a face out the window. My heart stops. I know it's Emmett. Before I can get a really good look he's gone. I want to run outside after him but the cake is being cut and I'm being talked to. I know I have to respond. It's so hard when I know Emmett is out there. Right now.
"What did you wish for, Jill?" Someone answers before I can.
"If she tells you it won't come true!" Everyone laughs. They have no idea my wish has already come true. I make it through the rest of the evening with difficulty. All I want is to be alone in my room, but I know I need to stay downstairs and be a good hostess.
By the time everyone's gone I rush up to my room and shut my door, leaning against it and closing my eyes. I jump when I hear my name on the other side of the door. "Jillian?"
"Yes, Father?"
"Sleep well."
"I will. Good night." I hear his footsteps walk away from the door and sigh. I peel my dress off and throw on a robe, climbing into bed and under the blankets. I'm almost asleep when I hear a small tap on my window. I frown and open my eyes, wondering who could be outside my window when my bedroom is on the second floor.
I lay still and after a minute there's another tap. I get up and walk to the window, grateful that my light is off and anyone outside won't be able to see me. I slide the curtain aside a couple inches and look down at the ground. My heart stops for the second time that night. I yank open the window and stick my head out. "Emmett?" Through the darkness I see him grin.
"Yes Jilly, it's me. Can I come up?"
"My parents are downstairs. You'll be seen."
"Don't worry about that. Just step back." I do as he says while wondering how he thinks he could possibly climb into my window from the ground. I didn't see a ladder. A few seconds later I'm quite surprised to see him standing in my room like he's just appeared from thin air. And maybe he has. "Oh, Jilly, I've missed you." My hearts trips. He looks exactly the same as I last saw him. I start crying.
"Why?" It's the only thing I can think of to say, but he seems to understand what I'm asking.
"Oh, Jill, it's been so complicated. I'm not the same anymore. I wasn't allowed to come see you, even though it's been killing me not to." I sit heavily on the end of the bed.
"You look exactly the same, Emmett."
"Only to you. I'm quite different." I shake my head.
"I don't understand." He kneels in front of me and takes one of my hands in his. His hands feel like ice but I let him hold it.
"I know you don't. I don't really understand half of it myself either. But I'm willing to try and explain it to you if you'll let me. As best I can explain it." I look into his eyes, surprised to find they're not the sky blue I remember them to be. Instead they're a rich golden colour. "That's one thing I'll explain. But not tonight. Tonight I just want to be with you."
"I just have one question." He grips my hand tighter.
"Anything."
"Will you be here when I wake up?" He smiles that dimpled smile that was always my favourite, his eyes alight with happiness.
"Yes, I'll be here."
"Hello?" No one answers. "Hello?" I wait another few seconds before getting a peculiar feeling that it's Emmett on the other end. "Emmett?" Click. I stare at the receiver before placing it back in the cradle. Why would he call just to hang up? I frown while staring at the phone.
It's been two weeks since I talked to Dr Cullen about seeing Emmett and no one's called to tell me what's going on. I've tried going to the hospital but he's always either busy or has just left. I'm beginning to wonder if this meeting is going to happen at all. "Jillian, who was that on the phone, dear?" I turn around to see my mother.
"I don't know. They hung up." She frowns as she takes off her gloves. When she looks back up at me there's a smile on her face.
"So I know your birthday isn't for a few weeks, but I was wondering if there's anything special you'd like to do? We could go into the city to the cinema and have dinner. Just the two of us." I force a smile onto my face.
"Sure, that sounds fun." Mother beams.
"Wonderful." I turn back around and walk up the stairs to my room. The only thing I want for my birthday is to see Emmett.
**
"Aren't you cold, Greg?" He laughs and shakes his head. It's freezing outside and all he's wearing is a pullover.
"Didn't you know I'm cold blooded? Like a snake." He pretends to hiss at me. I just roll my eyes. We're walking to the market to pick up stuff for my birthday dinner tomorrow. I'm going to be 19. Greg glances over at me so I look over at him. He's got a thoughtful look on his face.
"What?"
"Could I tell you something?"
"Anything."
"Do you remember meeting Addison?" I think but can't really remember.
"Not really. Why?"
"Well, I want to ask her to marry me." I stop and grab his arm.
"Really? That's great." A smile lights his face.
"You think so? I didn't want to if you didn't think it was a good idea." We continue walking.
"Why wouldn't I think it's a good idea?" He hesitates and I know what he's thinking.
"Well.. because of Emmett. I know you still miss him." I look down at my feet as we walk.
"Yeah, I do."
"So I didn't want to get married if it was going to upset you." Tears spring to my eyes and I surprise myself and Greg by giving him a hug. I don't think we've hugged since we were kids.
"You're too sweet, Greg. I couldn't ask for a better big brother." I pull back and look up into his face. "Of course you should ask her!" He smiles and hugs me again. After a few seconds we continue walking. "When are you going to?"
"I was thinking of our anniversary, which is only a couple weeks away. I want to make it special."
"I'm sure she'll love whatever you plan. I'll have to meet her again."
"She's been dying to meet you but I didn't want to disrupt your progress or anything. I figure since it's been almost a year since you've been home that now would be the time."
"This is a great birthday present. I'm so happy for you." Greg takes my hand and we swing our arms together the rest of the way to the market.
**
I look around awkwardly as everyone sings me Happy Birthday. When the time comes to make a wish I close my eyes and think I wish I could see Emmett just one more time and blow out the candles. While everyone's clapping and someone turns the light back on, I catch a glimpse of a face out the window. My heart stops. I know it's Emmett. Before I can get a really good look he's gone. I want to run outside after him but the cake is being cut and I'm being talked to. I know I have to respond. It's so hard when I know Emmett is out there. Right now.
"What did you wish for, Jill?" Someone answers before I can.
"If she tells you it won't come true!" Everyone laughs. They have no idea my wish has already come true. I make it through the rest of the evening with difficulty. All I want is to be alone in my room, but I know I need to stay downstairs and be a good hostess.
By the time everyone's gone I rush up to my room and shut my door, leaning against it and closing my eyes. I jump when I hear my name on the other side of the door. "Jillian?"
"Yes, Father?"
"Sleep well."
"I will. Good night." I hear his footsteps walk away from the door and sigh. I peel my dress off and throw on a robe, climbing into bed and under the blankets. I'm almost asleep when I hear a small tap on my window. I frown and open my eyes, wondering who could be outside my window when my bedroom is on the second floor.
I lay still and after a minute there's another tap. I get up and walk to the window, grateful that my light is off and anyone outside won't be able to see me. I slide the curtain aside a couple inches and look down at the ground. My heart stops for the second time that night. I yank open the window and stick my head out. "Emmett?" Through the darkness I see him grin.
"Yes Jilly, it's me. Can I come up?"
"My parents are downstairs. You'll be seen."
"Don't worry about that. Just step back." I do as he says while wondering how he thinks he could possibly climb into my window from the ground. I didn't see a ladder. A few seconds later I'm quite surprised to see him standing in my room like he's just appeared from thin air. And maybe he has. "Oh, Jilly, I've missed you." My hearts trips. He looks exactly the same as I last saw him. I start crying.
"Why?" It's the only thing I can think of to say, but he seems to understand what I'm asking.
"Oh, Jill, it's been so complicated. I'm not the same anymore. I wasn't allowed to come see you, even though it's been killing me not to." I sit heavily on the end of the bed.
"You look exactly the same, Emmett."
"Only to you. I'm quite different." I shake my head.
"I don't understand." He kneels in front of me and takes one of my hands in his. His hands feel like ice but I let him hold it.
"I know you don't. I don't really understand half of it myself either. But I'm willing to try and explain it to you if you'll let me. As best I can explain it." I look into his eyes, surprised to find they're not the sky blue I remember them to be. Instead they're a rich golden colour. "That's one thing I'll explain. But not tonight. Tonight I just want to be with you."
"I just have one question." He grips my hand tighter.
"Anything."
"Will you be here when I wake up?" He smiles that dimpled smile that was always my favourite, his eyes alight with happiness.
"Yes, I'll be here."
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