I sigh as I look down at my blank piece of paper. I'm trying to think of something that only Emmett would know. It's hard. Who knows what he's told other people? But who would go through all this trouble, get the doctor to lie to me, and can copy Emmett's hand so perfectly, just to be caught when I ask a hard question? No, it's got to be Emmett.
Dear.. Emmett.
I hope you understand that I need some proof first. So if you're willing, just tell me a few things about me, or you, that only we would know. Then maybe I can think about talking with you again.
Jillian
Good enough. I sigh again and seal the letter in an envelope Dr Cullen gave me. I think about what sorts of things Emmett would tell me. That first night in my room? The next day in my play house? The play house at all? I've still never told anyone about it, but I suppose it's really not that hard to find if you're looking. I mean, Emmett found it without my help, I'm sure someone else could have if they'd really tried. A knock at the door interrupts my musings.
"Jillian? I'm about to take off for the day. Is your letter ready?" I nod and hand it to Dr Cullen. "Is there anything you want me to tell him?" I just shake my head. "You've got some visitors." Just then Sasha walks into the room and Marc leans against the door frame.
"Sasha!" She gives me a hug. "I've missed you."
"I've missed you too, Jill. How are you feeling?"
"All right. Tired I suppose." She sits beside my legs on the bed.
"Have you been sleeping well?"
"Well enough. But enough about me. How are you?" She glances over at Marc, a big smile on her face.
"Actually, we came to tell you that we're expecting!" I look down at her belly, which still looks flat to me.
"Since when?"
"We just found out last week. We had an appointment here today so we thought we'd drop by and say hello." I smile sadly.
"That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you." Marc walks over and takes Sasha's hand.
"We need to go sweetheart."
"I'm sorry, I wanted to stay longer but we've got some things to do before lunch." I shake my head.
"Nonsense. Come as often as you can, okay?" Sasha nods and hugs me again, getting up and leaving with Marc. I can't help but think that none of this is fair. Sasha was never someone that wanted marriage or children, whereas I always was. I've always wanted a family, but my chance was taken away from me. And now Sasha's getting everything I've ever wanted. I feel a string of resentment toward my best friend. I can't help it.
All I have to do is wait until tonight and Dr Cullen will be back and I'll have Emmett's letter. I'll know then for sure if it's really him. I wonder what I'm going to do if it is. I have so many questions for him. Why haven't you called me? Why isn't it safe to see me? When will I get to see you? Soon my thoughts turn to other things, like my birthday. I'll be 18 at the end of next week. I wonder if they'll let me outside since it's a special day.
I pick up my book and continue reading where I left off last night. I don't get far when there's a knock and a nurse comes in with a tray. I grimace. They're trying to get me to eat at least three times a day but I still can't keep much down. The doctor's don't understand why I can't keep any food down. I've gained almost 15 pounds in the 3 months that I've been here, but all through IV. They won't let me go home until I can eat at least some food. And right now it's not looking good.
Honestly though, I'm afraid to go home. Afraid to be back with all those memories. Here I don't have any. I'm just me here. I'm not Jillian and Emmett, just Jillian. I know after 6 months I should be able to let go and move on, but I just can't. And especially now, knowing that Emmett is alive and well. How can I move on when there's still another chance? I know some would call me stupid to hang on so tightly, but I don't care.
"Hello, dear. How are we feeling this morning?"
"Good." I hate when they say 'how are we feeling'. Like they're stuck like this, too.
"I have some crackers here for you and some milk. You know what to do, right?" I nod and take a cracker from her. I nibble on the end and wait a few seconds. When it doesn't feel like it's going to come back up I take a small bite. I slowly finish the cracker and am quite relieved when I don't have to rush to the bathroom. I take a sip of milk and eat another cracker, happy that I could keep it all down.
"So what's that mean? Can I start eating more?"
"Probably not quite yet, dear. The doctor will probably want to see if you can keep some food down multiple times a day. Then he'll think about taking taking your IV out to see if you can get what you need without it. I'll send in a doctor to explain it all to you better."
"Can you leave a few crackers here?" She smiles and hands me about 3 of them. I decide not to push my luck yet and wait a couple hours before attempting another one. I'm quite proud of myself when it comes lunch time and I haven't thrown up at all today. I wonder why that is but don't put too much thought to it. My body is probably just tired of being stuck here and wants out. My brain can't blame it. It was ready to leave a long time ago.
My luck runs out after supper, 8 crackers later, when I have to rush to the bathroom. I'm assured that I made excellent progress today but I can't help but feel that I'm failing. If I can't keep 8 crackers and a few sips of milk down, how am I ever going to eat normally before getting out of here? It's starting to feel like I'll be in here forever. After my bathroom visit I'm too tired to wait for Dr Cullen to bring me Emmett's letter so I just fall right to sleep.
03 January 2012
29 December 2011
The Impossibility Of Sensibility, Chapter 11
I look up from my book at a knock at my door. I smile as I set my book aside. "Hi Dr Cullen. Is it time for my check up?"
"It certainly is. How are you feeling?"
"Tired still. Not hungry. The usual." Dr Cullen smiles as he takes my heart rate and blood pressure.
"That's because you're still on IV."
"When can it come out?"
"As soon as you're able to hold anything down without throwing it up. Then we'll talk about taking it out. But for now it's the only way you're body is getting what it needs, so it stays in."
"Ugh. I hate it. It's so uncomfortable. It feels like the end of the needle is going to poke through my hand." Dr Cullen laughs.
"Not to worry, you'll be just fine."
"Are we all done? I'm on chapter 6 of the book you gave me and it's just getting to a good part."
"Actually Jillian, there is something I'd like to talk to you about."
"What's that?"
"It's about Emmett.." I don't let him finish.
"I don't want to hear it."
"Please, Jillian, hear me out. He's still alive." I glare at Dr Cullen. Emmett's the reason I'm here in the first place! Now when I'm finally getting healthy he wants to pull this on me? I don't think so.
"I don't want to hear it, Dr Cullen. Not now, not ever."
"Please just listen, okay?" When I don't interrupt him he continues. "I know where he is. He's been living with me for the past 6 months. He's very well." Tears spring to my eyes.
"Why should I believe a word you're saying?"
"Because it's 100% the truth." Dr Cullen takes an envelope out of his coat. "He wanted me to give you this. He said he understands if you never want to talk to him again. I told him he shouldn't have asked me but that I would tell you. I'll give you some time." I take the envelope from him and stare at the front. It has my name on it in the same messy scrawl that was on the last one. Except this time I recognize whose it is. And it can only be one person's.
I set the envelope on my lap and stare at it for a good hour. I'm afraid of what I might find in there. Why wouldn't Emmett contact me if he's still alive? Why would he make me go through all of this when there was no reason for it? I think back to the first letter. I had never actually read it. I sigh as I realize it could have been Emmett trying to contact me. Now I just feel stupid. I got upset over something that could have let me see him again. With that thought I rip open the flap and take out the letter.
Dear Jilly,
I'm sorry that things have turned out this way. When I heard you'd landed yourself in the hospital I almost lost it. You're lucky to have Carlisle as your doctor. He's a very good person and he'll make you better in no time.
I hope you don't think someone's trying to trick you. It's nothing like that at all. It's really me, Jilly. I miss you. I've thought about you nonstop for six months straight. Wondering if you're thinking of me. I've wanted to see you, but that's not safe for me right now. I'll tell you all about that later, if you decide that keeping in contact with me is what you want. I'll understand if you don't.
Please, Jilly, get better. Not only for yourself, but for your family. They need you.
If you want to reply back to me just give your letter to Carlisle. He'll get it to me.
I love you, Jillian. I've never stopped.
Yours, Emmett
I read it three times before the words actually sink in. I want to reply, but I don't want to look foolish if this really is a trick. I decide to sleep on it and think about it again in the morning. I place the letter and envelope on my bedside table and fall into a restless sleep.
I dream about Emmett. He's wearing a tux and he's standing at the end of an alter. It takes me a second to realize that I'm his bride. My heart swells with pride and love.
I watch my dream self marry the one man I've ever loved, and ever will love. I'm sure of that. My heart was taken from me the day he left and he's kept it all this time. I don't think I'll ever get it back. I sigh contently in my sleep as we say our vows and share our first kiss as husband and wife.
"It certainly is. How are you feeling?"
"Tired still. Not hungry. The usual." Dr Cullen smiles as he takes my heart rate and blood pressure.
"That's because you're still on IV."
"When can it come out?"
"As soon as you're able to hold anything down without throwing it up. Then we'll talk about taking it out. But for now it's the only way you're body is getting what it needs, so it stays in."
"Ugh. I hate it. It's so uncomfortable. It feels like the end of the needle is going to poke through my hand." Dr Cullen laughs.
"Not to worry, you'll be just fine."
"Are we all done? I'm on chapter 6 of the book you gave me and it's just getting to a good part."
"Actually Jillian, there is something I'd like to talk to you about."
"What's that?"
"It's about Emmett.." I don't let him finish.
"I don't want to hear it."
"Please, Jillian, hear me out. He's still alive." I glare at Dr Cullen. Emmett's the reason I'm here in the first place! Now when I'm finally getting healthy he wants to pull this on me? I don't think so.
"I don't want to hear it, Dr Cullen. Not now, not ever."
"Please just listen, okay?" When I don't interrupt him he continues. "I know where he is. He's been living with me for the past 6 months. He's very well." Tears spring to my eyes.
"Why should I believe a word you're saying?"
"Because it's 100% the truth." Dr Cullen takes an envelope out of his coat. "He wanted me to give you this. He said he understands if you never want to talk to him again. I told him he shouldn't have asked me but that I would tell you. I'll give you some time." I take the envelope from him and stare at the front. It has my name on it in the same messy scrawl that was on the last one. Except this time I recognize whose it is. And it can only be one person's.
I set the envelope on my lap and stare at it for a good hour. I'm afraid of what I might find in there. Why wouldn't Emmett contact me if he's still alive? Why would he make me go through all of this when there was no reason for it? I think back to the first letter. I had never actually read it. I sigh as I realize it could have been Emmett trying to contact me. Now I just feel stupid. I got upset over something that could have let me see him again. With that thought I rip open the flap and take out the letter.
Dear Jilly,
I'm sorry that things have turned out this way. When I heard you'd landed yourself in the hospital I almost lost it. You're lucky to have Carlisle as your doctor. He's a very good person and he'll make you better in no time.
I hope you don't think someone's trying to trick you. It's nothing like that at all. It's really me, Jilly. I miss you. I've thought about you nonstop for six months straight. Wondering if you're thinking of me. I've wanted to see you, but that's not safe for me right now. I'll tell you all about that later, if you decide that keeping in contact with me is what you want. I'll understand if you don't.
Please, Jilly, get better. Not only for yourself, but for your family. They need you.
If you want to reply back to me just give your letter to Carlisle. He'll get it to me.
I love you, Jillian. I've never stopped.
Yours, Emmett
I read it three times before the words actually sink in. I want to reply, but I don't want to look foolish if this really is a trick. I decide to sleep on it and think about it again in the morning. I place the letter and envelope on my bedside table and fall into a restless sleep.
I dream about Emmett. He's wearing a tux and he's standing at the end of an alter. It takes me a second to realize that I'm his bride. My heart swells with pride and love.
I watch my dream self marry the one man I've ever loved, and ever will love. I'm sure of that. My heart was taken from me the day he left and he's kept it all this time. I don't think I'll ever get it back. I sigh contently in my sleep as we say our vows and share our first kiss as husband and wife.
26 December 2011
The Impossibility Of Sensibility, Chapter 10
"Hey, what's this?" I glance over at Sasha from my book.
"Oh, that's the envelope you gave me last week, remember?"
"You haven't opened it yet?" I shrug.
"No."
"Well why don't you?" I sigh and close my book.
"Do I have to right this minute?" She hands it to me and I roll my eyes. It's been almost two weeks since Sasha dragged me out to town. I'm proud to say that I've been much better. I slide open the flap and take out the paper stuffed inside it. My first thought upon seeing it is "is this some sick joke?"
"What's wrong?" I glare up at Sasha.
"This is a joke, right? Tell me you didn't actually do this."
"Do what? What are you talking about?" I shove the letter at her and she gasps and looks up at me. You can't fake that, so I decide it wasn't her that did it. I jump up from my bed and stomp around my room.
"Who would be so heartless as to do something like that?! I can't believe it! After everything I've been through, someone decides to pull this?!" Just then my door opens and all three of my family members are standing in my bedroom.
"Why are you shouting, Jillian?" I thrust my thumb at Sasha.
"May as well show them, too. Maybe Greg will know if one of his friends did this." My brother looks at me with confusion.
"Did what?"
"You'll see." Sasha quietly hands them the letter. All of them look up at me. I stomp some more, not because it'll help anything, but because it's making me feel better.
"Oh darling, you don't know who did this?" I shake my head angrily, tears starting to pour over. All of a sudden my anger fades and grief takes its place. I sink down to my knees and shake with sobs. I press my head against my mattress and take parts of the blanket in my fists. I'm beyond rational thought at this point. The last thing I remember before the darkness is calling out Emmett's name.
*
Gregory Marion Sr
"I'm afraid we don't have much else of a choice Mr Marion. She hasn't eaten or drank in several days. She's severely dehydrated. She needs to be hospitalized or she could waste away into nothing. I know this is hard for you, but I think losing your daughter would be harder, wouldn't you agree?"
"Yes. Do whatever you can. Just make her healthy again."
"We'll do everything we can for her Mr Marion. Don't worry, she'll be in good hands."
"Tell me more about this Dr Cullen. He's new?"
"Yes, he just transferred this month."
"He looks too young to have such a large degree. Are you sure he's capable?"
"Certainly. He's one of the best doctor's we've ever had. I'm assigning him to your daughter, actually."
"Well I hope you're right about him."
"Not to worry. He's very good at what he does and very passionate. I've never seen someone so driven."
"Yes, well, let's hope he's all you say him to be. Anna and I aren't getting any younger and I want to see my daughter healthy and well before I pass on."
"You've got absolutely nothing to worry about Mr Marion. We'll take good care of her."
*
Carlisle Cullen
"Dr Cullen? Mr Marion is here with his daughter." I flip closed Jillian Marion's chart and follow Lisa to the room Jillian is in. She's laying on a bed with an IV in her arm and a blanket over her. I've seen some bad cases of anorexia, but she's by far the worst. She can't stand without support and weighs only 80 pounds. She should have been brought here a long time ago.
"Mr Marion, a pleasure to see you again." I extend my hand and he shakes it, wincing at the cold of my skin. I turn to Jillian. "Why wasn't she brought here earlier?"
"She wouldn't let me. Every time we tried taking her she'd throw a fit, lock herself in her room, she even ran away one time."
"She finally decided to come?" Gregory Sr shakes his head.
"No. She starting becoming delusional and didn't know where she was or who her family is."
"I see. As I understand why you didn't bring her sooner, I have to say that it wasn't the best choice. It's going to take a lot of work to make her healthy. She's going to be under a lot of stress for a while. And I must stress this to you. If Jillian really wants to recover, she will. If she doesn't, then she won't. It's all about one's will to survive. But we'll do what we can for her for now."
"Thank you, doctor. I'm sure you'll take good care of my girl."
"I'll do what's in my power to help her."
"Oh, that's the envelope you gave me last week, remember?"
"You haven't opened it yet?" I shrug.
"No."
"Well why don't you?" I sigh and close my book.
"Do I have to right this minute?" She hands it to me and I roll my eyes. It's been almost two weeks since Sasha dragged me out to town. I'm proud to say that I've been much better. I slide open the flap and take out the paper stuffed inside it. My first thought upon seeing it is "is this some sick joke?"
"What's wrong?" I glare up at Sasha.
"This is a joke, right? Tell me you didn't actually do this."
"Do what? What are you talking about?" I shove the letter at her and she gasps and looks up at me. You can't fake that, so I decide it wasn't her that did it. I jump up from my bed and stomp around my room.
"Who would be so heartless as to do something like that?! I can't believe it! After everything I've been through, someone decides to pull this?!" Just then my door opens and all three of my family members are standing in my bedroom.
"Why are you shouting, Jillian?" I thrust my thumb at Sasha.
"May as well show them, too. Maybe Greg will know if one of his friends did this." My brother looks at me with confusion.
"Did what?"
"You'll see." Sasha quietly hands them the letter. All of them look up at me. I stomp some more, not because it'll help anything, but because it's making me feel better.
"Oh darling, you don't know who did this?" I shake my head angrily, tears starting to pour over. All of a sudden my anger fades and grief takes its place. I sink down to my knees and shake with sobs. I press my head against my mattress and take parts of the blanket in my fists. I'm beyond rational thought at this point. The last thing I remember before the darkness is calling out Emmett's name.
*
Gregory Marion Sr
"I'm afraid we don't have much else of a choice Mr Marion. She hasn't eaten or drank in several days. She's severely dehydrated. She needs to be hospitalized or she could waste away into nothing. I know this is hard for you, but I think losing your daughter would be harder, wouldn't you agree?"
"Yes. Do whatever you can. Just make her healthy again."
"We'll do everything we can for her Mr Marion. Don't worry, she'll be in good hands."
"Tell me more about this Dr Cullen. He's new?"
"Yes, he just transferred this month."
"He looks too young to have such a large degree. Are you sure he's capable?"
"Certainly. He's one of the best doctor's we've ever had. I'm assigning him to your daughter, actually."
"Well I hope you're right about him."
"Not to worry. He's very good at what he does and very passionate. I've never seen someone so driven."
"Yes, well, let's hope he's all you say him to be. Anna and I aren't getting any younger and I want to see my daughter healthy and well before I pass on."
"You've got absolutely nothing to worry about Mr Marion. We'll take good care of her."
*
Carlisle Cullen
"Dr Cullen? Mr Marion is here with his daughter." I flip closed Jillian Marion's chart and follow Lisa to the room Jillian is in. She's laying on a bed with an IV in her arm and a blanket over her. I've seen some bad cases of anorexia, but she's by far the worst. She can't stand without support and weighs only 80 pounds. She should have been brought here a long time ago.
"Mr Marion, a pleasure to see you again." I extend my hand and he shakes it, wincing at the cold of my skin. I turn to Jillian. "Why wasn't she brought here earlier?"
"She wouldn't let me. Every time we tried taking her she'd throw a fit, lock herself in her room, she even ran away one time."
"She finally decided to come?" Gregory Sr shakes his head.
"No. She starting becoming delusional and didn't know where she was or who her family is."
"I see. As I understand why you didn't bring her sooner, I have to say that it wasn't the best choice. It's going to take a lot of work to make her healthy. She's going to be under a lot of stress for a while. And I must stress this to you. If Jillian really wants to recover, she will. If she doesn't, then she won't. It's all about one's will to survive. But we'll do what we can for her for now."
"Thank you, doctor. I'm sure you'll take good care of my girl."
"I'll do what's in my power to help her."
23 December 2011
The Impossibility Of Sensibility, Chapter 9
It's been a month since that night. A month since my life was ripped from me. I've been useless and lazy. My mother's been understanding but I can tell it's getting to her. I should care, but I just don't. I can't, not anymore. I stopped caring about anything the night Emmett died.
I hear my door bang open and I cringe. Then I clamp my eyes shut as the curtains are pulled from the windows and light floods the room. What time is it? Doesn't matter. I'm not going anywhere. "Jill. This is enough. You've been in here for weeks. Don't you think it's time you got up?" I shake my head. "Well I do. Come on. You're going to shower. You're going to wash yourself up. I'm going to dress you. You're going to actually eat something. And we're going to go out today."
"Go away Sasha."
"I will not. I've been tiptoeing around you for weeks and I'm not doing it anymore. You look terrible. You need some sun and that's exactly what you're getting today. I don't want any excuses. I'll even wash you myself if I have to." Fed up with her rambling I heave myself out of bed and stomp to my bathroom. I slam the door and lock it behind me. Once my anger subsides I sigh. I may as well take the stupid shower since I'm in here anyway. I start the water and take off my nightgown, careful not to look at my body. I've lost quite a bit of weight in the last month and I know I look hideous.
I wash up and dry myself off, hitching a towel under my arms and walking back into my bedroom. Sasha's already got a dress picked out for me. I grab it and throw it on, not caring to see which one it is. If she wants to take me out, fine. No one said I had to enjoy myself. Once I'm dressed she runs a brush through my hair and pins it up. I cross my arms and glare at the floor as I follow her down to the kitchen, where to my surprise, food is already waiting for me.
"We're staying here until you eat every bite. And I won't have you arguing with me. So just do it." I grumble as I force down the food. Which actually tastes really good, not that I would tell Sasha that. After I've eaten to her satisfaction she takes my arm and leads me out of the house. We live a few miles outside of town so I follow along behind her as she heads in that direction. She doesn't say anything to me and I don't say anything to her. I'm still angry that she's pulled me out of bed to go into town. I'd have been content with staying in bed for a few more months.
Throughout the day I complain about the weather and the fact that my dress itches. Sasha ignores that for the most part, dragging me into shop after shop after endless shop. I don't care to see any of this stuff. The only thing I want to see is gone, so I couldn't care less about all this other stuff. "I just need to head to the post office and we can go back." I thank my lucky stars that this will be over soon. It almost makes me want to be half pleasant. Almost.
As Sasha does her business at the post office I sit outside. I'd forgotten how good the sun feels on my skin. The bell above the door dings and Sasha comes over to me and hands me an envelope. "What's this?"
"I don't know. The Post Master just told me to give it to you. It's got your name on it." I look down at it, and sure enough, it does. I don't recognize the messy handwriting.
"I'll open it at home. Come on. I wanna go." Sasha links my arm and walks with me back home. On the way back I think about how horrible I'm being to her. I know she's only trying to help me, but I wish she'd go another way about doing it. I'm afraid to start living again. Afraid that it means I'm moving on and forgetting him. And that scares me. I can't forget him. He's all I had.
"Thanks for letting me take you out today, Jill. I know I didn't go about it in the nicest way, but I think a push is what you needed." I shake my head and offer a small smile.
"Don't worry. I'm sorry I've been rotten to you today. You're only trying to help." She nods.
"That's really all I'm trying to do. I know it's going to take time for you to move on and I'm not going to push that, but I really think you should start living your life again. Living doesn't mean forgetting, sweetheart." A tear falls down my cheek.
"I'm afraid to start living because he's not here to live with me." She stops in the middle of the road and takes me in her arms. It's been so long since I've let anyone touch me, and I find that I've really needed it. I find myself actually hugging her back.
"You never have to forget him if you don't want to. He's here watching over you. Don't you think it's making him sad that you're shutting yourself away from everyone?" I'd never really thought about it like that.
"I don't know. Maybe." Sasha smiles at me and takes my hand, swinging it in between us as we walk the rest of the way home. I ask her to stay for the night and she agrees. In truth, I've missed Sasha. I've been missing a lot of people. Maybe after today I'll finally be able to reconnect with my family.
After we get back to my house we drop Sasha's stuff in my room and I toss the envelope on my side table without looking at it, where it's soon forgotten. I spend the night catching up with Sasha, even smiling and laughing at some points. It's hard not to be happy with her. She's like a ball of happiness. I learn that Marc proposed to her and they're getting married next spring. I'm happy for them, but I can't help but feel sorry for myself. She moves on to lighter topics before my mood completely takes a wrong turn.
Finally at 2 AM we fall asleep, exhausted. It was a long day for me. I'm glad that Sasha made me go out today. Without that shove in the right direction I probably wouldn't have gotten out of bed today. Hopefully the trend sticks and I'll finally be able to start living. It scares me, but it's something that I need to do. Not only for me, but for Emmett. I'm sure if he were here right now he wouldn't like what he's been seeing of me this past month. With that last thought I fall asleep, happier than I've been in weeks.
I hear my door bang open and I cringe. Then I clamp my eyes shut as the curtains are pulled from the windows and light floods the room. What time is it? Doesn't matter. I'm not going anywhere. "Jill. This is enough. You've been in here for weeks. Don't you think it's time you got up?" I shake my head. "Well I do. Come on. You're going to shower. You're going to wash yourself up. I'm going to dress you. You're going to actually eat something. And we're going to go out today."
"Go away Sasha."
"I will not. I've been tiptoeing around you for weeks and I'm not doing it anymore. You look terrible. You need some sun and that's exactly what you're getting today. I don't want any excuses. I'll even wash you myself if I have to." Fed up with her rambling I heave myself out of bed and stomp to my bathroom. I slam the door and lock it behind me. Once my anger subsides I sigh. I may as well take the stupid shower since I'm in here anyway. I start the water and take off my nightgown, careful not to look at my body. I've lost quite a bit of weight in the last month and I know I look hideous.
I wash up and dry myself off, hitching a towel under my arms and walking back into my bedroom. Sasha's already got a dress picked out for me. I grab it and throw it on, not caring to see which one it is. If she wants to take me out, fine. No one said I had to enjoy myself. Once I'm dressed she runs a brush through my hair and pins it up. I cross my arms and glare at the floor as I follow her down to the kitchen, where to my surprise, food is already waiting for me.
"We're staying here until you eat every bite. And I won't have you arguing with me. So just do it." I grumble as I force down the food. Which actually tastes really good, not that I would tell Sasha that. After I've eaten to her satisfaction she takes my arm and leads me out of the house. We live a few miles outside of town so I follow along behind her as she heads in that direction. She doesn't say anything to me and I don't say anything to her. I'm still angry that she's pulled me out of bed to go into town. I'd have been content with staying in bed for a few more months.
Throughout the day I complain about the weather and the fact that my dress itches. Sasha ignores that for the most part, dragging me into shop after shop after endless shop. I don't care to see any of this stuff. The only thing I want to see is gone, so I couldn't care less about all this other stuff. "I just need to head to the post office and we can go back." I thank my lucky stars that this will be over soon. It almost makes me want to be half pleasant. Almost.
As Sasha does her business at the post office I sit outside. I'd forgotten how good the sun feels on my skin. The bell above the door dings and Sasha comes over to me and hands me an envelope. "What's this?"
"I don't know. The Post Master just told me to give it to you. It's got your name on it." I look down at it, and sure enough, it does. I don't recognize the messy handwriting.
"I'll open it at home. Come on. I wanna go." Sasha links my arm and walks with me back home. On the way back I think about how horrible I'm being to her. I know she's only trying to help me, but I wish she'd go another way about doing it. I'm afraid to start living again. Afraid that it means I'm moving on and forgetting him. And that scares me. I can't forget him. He's all I had.
"Thanks for letting me take you out today, Jill. I know I didn't go about it in the nicest way, but I think a push is what you needed." I shake my head and offer a small smile.
"Don't worry. I'm sorry I've been rotten to you today. You're only trying to help." She nods.
"That's really all I'm trying to do. I know it's going to take time for you to move on and I'm not going to push that, but I really think you should start living your life again. Living doesn't mean forgetting, sweetheart." A tear falls down my cheek.
"I'm afraid to start living because he's not here to live with me." She stops in the middle of the road and takes me in her arms. It's been so long since I've let anyone touch me, and I find that I've really needed it. I find myself actually hugging her back.
"You never have to forget him if you don't want to. He's here watching over you. Don't you think it's making him sad that you're shutting yourself away from everyone?" I'd never really thought about it like that.
"I don't know. Maybe." Sasha smiles at me and takes my hand, swinging it in between us as we walk the rest of the way home. I ask her to stay for the night and she agrees. In truth, I've missed Sasha. I've been missing a lot of people. Maybe after today I'll finally be able to reconnect with my family.
After we get back to my house we drop Sasha's stuff in my room and I toss the envelope on my side table without looking at it, where it's soon forgotten. I spend the night catching up with Sasha, even smiling and laughing at some points. It's hard not to be happy with her. She's like a ball of happiness. I learn that Marc proposed to her and they're getting married next spring. I'm happy for them, but I can't help but feel sorry for myself. She moves on to lighter topics before my mood completely takes a wrong turn.
Finally at 2 AM we fall asleep, exhausted. It was a long day for me. I'm glad that Sasha made me go out today. Without that shove in the right direction I probably wouldn't have gotten out of bed today. Hopefully the trend sticks and I'll finally be able to start living. It scares me, but it's something that I need to do. Not only for me, but for Emmett. I'm sure if he were here right now he wouldn't like what he's been seeing of me this past month. With that last thought I fall asleep, happier than I've been in weeks.
19 December 2011
The Impossibility Of Sensibility, Chapter 8
"Jill? You awake?" I open my eyes to see Emmett staring at me.
"What time is it?"
"A little after 8."
"What are you doing here? I haven't called you yet."
"Sasha called me. She told me that you need to talk to me." Damn her. I roll over so my back is to Emmett. He jumps over me and lands in front of me on the bed.
"I don't want to talk right now. Go away."
"Jilly, come on, please?" Childishly I yank the blanket over my head, ignoring him. I hear him laugh and tug lightly at the blanket. "Jill, come on. I want to know why you're upset."
"I never said I was upset."
"Sasha said you cried last night. That sounds like upset to me, love." Damn her again.
"I don't care anymore."
"Is it because of this weekend?"
"No."
"I don't believe you."
"What did Sasha say to you?" Knowing her, it could have been anything.
"Well, let's just say she wasn't very polite. She told me that if I were any kind of fiance that I'd stay home with you. But you told me that it's okay to go. So I'm confused." I huff out a sigh and pull the blanket down, looking up at him.
"I'm not upset. I don't care. Go hiking. I'll see you Sunday." I get out of bed and make my way down to the kitchen. Now that I'm up I'm hungry and may as well eat. I know this behaviour is childish and I'm acting like a fool, but I don't care. I was going to give him something really special, and he won't even be around to get it now.
"Jill, wait!" Emmett catches up to me easily and follows me to the kitchen. "Jill, talk to me, please? I don't have to go this weekend. I can save it for next weekend or something. Come on, look at me at least?" I pause just before pouring milk into my cereal.
"It doesn't matter when you go, Emmett. It's the fact that I had planned something for us and you ruined it by making other plans without even asking me if we were going to do something."
"What did you have planned?" I sit down and take a bite of my cereal.
"It doesn't matter now. I don't even want to anymore. So just go hiking and I'll see you Sunday."
"I can't stay today?" I look down at my bowl.
"Not today, okay?"
"Okay. I'll call you when I get back."
"Okay." Emmett kisses my cheek.
"I love you, Jilly."
"You too, Emmett." I stare at my bowl as he walks out of the kitchen. I feel terrible, but I don't feel like being around him. I feel like wallowing in my self pity today. I wonder what to do today and decide to go to my old play house. I haven't gone there in almost a year. I pack a lunch, fully intending to stay the whole day, and take off for the forest behind the house. When I get there I stop to admire it first. The tree has grown in the last year and the leaves make a thick wall around the house.
I have to duck while in the house or else I'd probably be able to stand right through the roof. I shake out the bedroom blanket and lay on it, sighing to myself. Pity party for one? I wipe a few stray tears away and bury my head in the pillow. I take a book out of my bag and flip to the page I left off at. I've read only one chapter before I fall asleep.
*
"Why hasn't he called yet?"
"Relax. He's probably just washing up before he comes to see you."
"But he said he'd call when he got back."
"Then maybe he's gotten back late." I go to pick up the receiver when my mother stops me.
"You've called three times already. Surely if someone were there they would have picked up." I sigh and rest my chin on my hand. It's almost 10 PM and Emmett still hasn't called. I'm about to go get a drink when the phone's ring makes me jump. I yank it off.
"Hello? Emmett?" There's a pause.
"May I speak with Mr or Mrs Marion please?" I hand the receiver over to my mother and head to the kitchen for a drink. When I come back she's looking at me and I'm surprised to see that she looks sad. I set my glass on a table and go over to her, trying to listen in on the conversation.
"Yes, I understand. Thank you. Goodbye." She hangs up and shakes her head.
"What? What's happened?"
"You may want to sit down, darling." No! I don't want to sit down. Why are you looking at me that way?
"What's going on?" She rests her hands on my shoulder.
"Darling, there's a reason that Emmett hasn't called yet." My heart and stomach feel as though someone's dunked them into acid.
"What's going on?" She sighs deeply.
"While he was hiking today.. he had an accident. They can't find his body." My knees give out and I sink to the floor. No. No No no no no! Not my Emmett! NO! "They're going to do an investigation, but darling, there was a lot of blood. They're pretty certain that he didn't make it. They think a bear dragged him off."
"Stop it! Stop it right now!" I get up and run out of the house, not caring where I'm going. This can not be happening. He said he would call! He said it! I run until I trip over something, and when I'm down, I stay down. I have no need or want to get up. I have nothing left to get up for. My Emmett is gone. And he's taken me with him.
I lay for what felt like hours, but could have only been minutes, until I hear my name being called. I hear footsteps walk toward me and stop a few feet from me. "Jill." Arms scoop me up and carry me back from the way I'd come. I don't know who it is, and I don't care. All I know is that it's not Emmett. He'll never hold me again.
I drift off as I'm being carried back to my house. The light wakes me up and I open my eyes. My mother and father are both sitting in the sun room, so I assume Greg is carrying me. "I've got her. I'll get her upstairs." I doze off again and I'm asleep before I hit my bed.
"What time is it?"
"A little after 8."
"What are you doing here? I haven't called you yet."
"Sasha called me. She told me that you need to talk to me." Damn her. I roll over so my back is to Emmett. He jumps over me and lands in front of me on the bed.
"I don't want to talk right now. Go away."
"Jilly, come on, please?" Childishly I yank the blanket over my head, ignoring him. I hear him laugh and tug lightly at the blanket. "Jill, come on. I want to know why you're upset."
"I never said I was upset."
"Sasha said you cried last night. That sounds like upset to me, love." Damn her again.
"I don't care anymore."
"Is it because of this weekend?"
"No."
"I don't believe you."
"What did Sasha say to you?" Knowing her, it could have been anything.
"Well, let's just say she wasn't very polite. She told me that if I were any kind of fiance that I'd stay home with you. But you told me that it's okay to go. So I'm confused." I huff out a sigh and pull the blanket down, looking up at him.
"I'm not upset. I don't care. Go hiking. I'll see you Sunday." I get out of bed and make my way down to the kitchen. Now that I'm up I'm hungry and may as well eat. I know this behaviour is childish and I'm acting like a fool, but I don't care. I was going to give him something really special, and he won't even be around to get it now.
"Jill, wait!" Emmett catches up to me easily and follows me to the kitchen. "Jill, talk to me, please? I don't have to go this weekend. I can save it for next weekend or something. Come on, look at me at least?" I pause just before pouring milk into my cereal.
"It doesn't matter when you go, Emmett. It's the fact that I had planned something for us and you ruined it by making other plans without even asking me if we were going to do something."
"What did you have planned?" I sit down and take a bite of my cereal.
"It doesn't matter now. I don't even want to anymore. So just go hiking and I'll see you Sunday."
"I can't stay today?" I look down at my bowl.
"Not today, okay?"
"Okay. I'll call you when I get back."
"Okay." Emmett kisses my cheek.
"I love you, Jilly."
"You too, Emmett." I stare at my bowl as he walks out of the kitchen. I feel terrible, but I don't feel like being around him. I feel like wallowing in my self pity today. I wonder what to do today and decide to go to my old play house. I haven't gone there in almost a year. I pack a lunch, fully intending to stay the whole day, and take off for the forest behind the house. When I get there I stop to admire it first. The tree has grown in the last year and the leaves make a thick wall around the house.
I have to duck while in the house or else I'd probably be able to stand right through the roof. I shake out the bedroom blanket and lay on it, sighing to myself. Pity party for one? I wipe a few stray tears away and bury my head in the pillow. I take a book out of my bag and flip to the page I left off at. I've read only one chapter before I fall asleep.
*
"Why hasn't he called yet?"
"Relax. He's probably just washing up before he comes to see you."
"But he said he'd call when he got back."
"Then maybe he's gotten back late." I go to pick up the receiver when my mother stops me.
"You've called three times already. Surely if someone were there they would have picked up." I sigh and rest my chin on my hand. It's almost 10 PM and Emmett still hasn't called. I'm about to go get a drink when the phone's ring makes me jump. I yank it off.
"Hello? Emmett?" There's a pause.
"May I speak with Mr or Mrs Marion please?" I hand the receiver over to my mother and head to the kitchen for a drink. When I come back she's looking at me and I'm surprised to see that she looks sad. I set my glass on a table and go over to her, trying to listen in on the conversation.
"Yes, I understand. Thank you. Goodbye." She hangs up and shakes her head.
"What? What's happened?"
"You may want to sit down, darling." No! I don't want to sit down. Why are you looking at me that way?
"What's going on?" She rests her hands on my shoulder.
"Darling, there's a reason that Emmett hasn't called yet." My heart and stomach feel as though someone's dunked them into acid.
"What's going on?" She sighs deeply.
"While he was hiking today.. he had an accident. They can't find his body." My knees give out and I sink to the floor. No. No No no no no! Not my Emmett! NO! "They're going to do an investigation, but darling, there was a lot of blood. They're pretty certain that he didn't make it. They think a bear dragged him off."
"Stop it! Stop it right now!" I get up and run out of the house, not caring where I'm going. This can not be happening. He said he would call! He said it! I run until I trip over something, and when I'm down, I stay down. I have no need or want to get up. I have nothing left to get up for. My Emmett is gone. And he's taken me with him.
I lay for what felt like hours, but could have only been minutes, until I hear my name being called. I hear footsteps walk toward me and stop a few feet from me. "Jill." Arms scoop me up and carry me back from the way I'd come. I don't know who it is, and I don't care. All I know is that it's not Emmett. He'll never hold me again.
I drift off as I'm being carried back to my house. The light wakes me up and I open my eyes. My mother and father are both sitting in the sun room, so I assume Greg is carrying me. "I've got her. I'll get her upstairs." I doze off again and I'm asleep before I hit my bed.
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