14 January 2012

The Impossibility Of Sensibility, Chapter 15

"I called Sasha and we're going to spend the day together. I haven't seen her in a long time."

"How old are those kids of hers now?"

"Um.. I think they're almost 6 months."

"I still remember when you were that small. Such a spirited child, you were."

"Wasn't I crawling soon after?"

"I think you started when you were 7 months. And then walking by your first birthday. You kid's grow up too fast. I can't believe you're going to be 19 in just a month."

"I can't believe you're going to be 45."

"Shh. No one's supposed to know that, remember?" I smile and tap my lips with my finger.

"Your secret is safe with me. I'll call you later okay?"

"All right. Let us know what the results are." I wave to my father and enter the hospital. I check in with reception and she tells me to go directly up to Dr Cullen's office. I knock at the door and he tells me to go in.

"Ah, Jillian, please, sit down." I remove my coat and sit on one of the chairs in front of his desk. "I have another appointment soon so I don't have too much time. I just thought I would let you know that I talked to my family last night."

"And?"

"They don't mind it if Emmett sees you, but I need to accompany him, as will Edward."

"Why?"

"It's ah, safer that way."

"Do you think I'd try to hurt him?" Dr Cullen actually laughs.

"No, no.. nothing of the sort. We're actually worried about Emmett. He's, ehm, quite different since you've last seen him. His self control needs to go a long way before we can let him alone with you." I frown. I don't understand this at all. "I know it can be confusing, but it's for your own good, trust me on this." I nod, not sure of what to say.

"When can I see him?"

"As soon as you'd like, I suppose."

"Oh, today, please!" Dr Cullen chuckles.

"Okay, well not as soon as you'd like. What about next weekend?" I think over my calendar mentally.

"That works for me. Have Emmett call me when you're coming over."

"I think it would be best if you met him elsewhere. If you come here I can drive you." I nod, disappointed. "So, if you don't have any other questions, I really do need to get going." I stand up and slip back into my coat.

"No, that's it. I guess I'll see you next week."

"Yes. Excuse me." He rushes off and leaves me alone in his office. I have half a mind to go home and cancel on Sasha, but it's been almost 3 months since I saw her and her twins last. I sigh deeply and head back out onto the street. It's a cloudy January day and it looks like it's going to snow again soon. I shove my hands in my pockets and head myself in the direction of Sasha's house. Hopefully she's awake. My appointments with Dr Cullen are usually early in the morning, as he works the midnight shift.

I make it to Sasha's house and knock quietly on the door. I hear shuffling inside and the door opens. "Jill! Come inside, it's freezing out there." She ushers me inside and strips off my wet coat. Halfway here it started snowing that wet snow that sticks to everything. "Come on, let's get you out of this stuff and into some dry clothes." She runs up the stairs and a few minutes later comes down with a pair of sweatpants and an oversized t-shirt. "I'm sorry they're so big. They're from my pre-baby days, but you're still so skinny." Usually everyone tries to avoid talking about my weight, but not Sasha.

"No, it's okay. They'll be warmer this way." She smacks her forehead.

"I forgot socks. Those ones must be soaking wet." I look down at my boots and wiggle my toes. They feel wet. "Well don't just stand there, get those boots off, take these to the bathroom, and change. I'll dry your clothes for you while you're here." Sasha seems to be in all out mother mode now. I follow her orders and emerge from the bathroom in warm, dry clothes and cold bare feet. She gives me a heating pad for my feet.

I spend the day catching up with Sasha and watching her with her twins, Margaret and Barbara. They're both happy and outgoing, Barbara more-so than Margaret. I still feel a twinge of jealousy whenever I'm with Sasha, but I push it aside and just let myself enjoy her children.

After lunch I call my father and ask him to bring me home. I collect my clothes and say goodbye to Sasha, promising to see her again as soon as I can. Even if it hurts being with her, I can't let that get in the way of our friendship. We've been friends a very long time and my jealousy and anger shouldn't be enough to change that.

After I get home I go up to my room and curl up under my blankets. I think about next weekend and my meeting with Emmett. I wonder what he'll look like after a year and a half. Not too different, I hope. I begin to wonder if I look much different, and then think myself as silly. Of course I look different. I'm 10 pounds lighter than the last time he saw me. I wonder if he'll be repulsed by me. The thought makes me sad to think that he won't want to see me because I look gross.

I sigh and push thoughts of next weekend from my mind. I grab my favourite book, which I've read once a month for nearly 5 years, and read until it's time for dinner. Sometimes I wish I wasn't forced to eat at every meal. Before I was in the hospital I could skip meals and no one would care. Now I need to attend and eat at every single one.

Instead of going back up to my room after dinner, I sit in the family room with my mother as she sews. She's recently started a set of blankets for Sasha's twins. She hopes to get them done by their first birthday. I fall asleep while watching her sew, dreaming of blankets and laughing children.

10 January 2012

The Impossibility Of Sensibility, Chapter 14

"107, excellent. Last month you were only 96 pounds." I step off the scale and slip my boots back on.

"So does that mean I can stop coming?" Dr Cullen frowns.

"I'm afraid not. We'd like you to be at least 115 to stop coming, and you're not quite there yet." I sink down in the chair and huff. It's been over 7 months since I've been out of the hospital. I was discharged at 100 pounds and at first I lost weight, but I've been steadily gaining for about 3 months now. Unfortunately it's not enough to get me out of here, but at least I almost feel healthy again. Nobody looks at me like I'm going to die at any second anymore.

"So same time next month?"

"Actually Jillian, could I talk to you for a minute? It's about Emmett." I stop in the middle of pulling on my coat.

"What about Emmett? I haven't heard from him in months." Dr Cullen sits on his chair.

"I know. I was the one that stopped the letters."

"What do you mean?" I sink back into my chair.

"He wrote you for about a month after his last letter but I never gave them to you. I didn't think it was right that he give you false hope that you might see eachother again someday, so I did what I thought was right. I told Emmett that you had asked me to tell him that you'd moved on and he should do the same. I had hoped, in time, that he would move on. Such is not the case. He gets more depressed as the days go on. He's not getting better."

"And what do you want from me?"

"Honestly, I don't know. I still don't think any of this is right or safe, but I can't stand to see him in so much pain. I don't know what to do." This is the first time I'd seen Dr Cullen look anything but his professional, happy, composed self, and I have to say I don't like it at all. It doesn't seem right for him to look like this. Wrong, somehow.

"Well, I'm not sure what I can do, but could you at least give me Emmett's letters?" Dr Cullen opens a drawer in his desk and pulls out a stack of letters all tied together with a string. I take it from him and count them. There's 8 of them.

"I'm sorry, Jillian. I was only doing what I thought was right. I can see now that it wasn't, and I'm sorry."

"It's okay. I'd thought he grew tired of me and was happy enough with his new life that he didn't want me in it."

"Oh no. He's miserable."

"Tell me about your family. Emmett didn't tell me very much."

"Well what did Emmett tell you?"

"He told me that you and your wife took in Edward and Rosalie because their mother died."

"Anything else?" I try to remember back to his brief letters.

"I don't think so. Why, what else is there?"

"Did he tell you how he came to live with us?"

"No."

"Well, I was also hiking that weekend and found him after the bear had attacked him. I own a home in the forest and thought it better to take him there than risk taking him to a hospital. He was in a coma for a while. I asked him if he wanted to stay with me so I could continue treating him, or if he wanted to go to a hospital. He decided to stay with my family and I."

"But why didn't he ever call or come see his family? They all still think he's dead!"

"It's all very complicated. It took him a long time to convince me to let him contact you. That first time he did so without telling me." I look down at my boots.

"Am I ever going to see him again?"

"Maybe one day. I can't promise you anything though. It's touch and go for a while."

"But why? What's so complicated about it?" Dr Cullen sighs.

"It's rather difficult to explain. Explaining would effect my entire family's safety, and I can't risk that."

"Can I please see him? If only from a distance?" Dr Cullen looks at me sadly.

"I can talk it over with my family tonight, if you wish. Come back tomorrow and I'll let you know what they've decided."

"Thank you! I promise I won't do anything to risk any of your family's safety." Dr Cullen chuckles and stands up. I do the same and follow him into the main lobby of the hospital where my father is waiting.

"See you tomorrow, Jillian." Father stands as I approach him and puts his arm around my shoulder, steering me out of the hospital and toward the car.

"You need to go back tomorrow?"

"Yeah, Dr Cullen took some blood and I get the results tomorrow." I hop in the passenger seat while my father starts the car.

"I see. What time do you need to be there?"

"He never said. Same time as always, I guess." Nothing else is said as we make our way home.