The Impossibility Of Sensibility, Chapter 9

It's been a month since that night. A month since my life was ripped from me. I've been useless and lazy. My mother's been understanding but I can tell it's getting to her. I should care, but I just don't. I can't, not anymore. I stopped caring about anything the night Emmett died.

I hear my door bang open and I cringe. Then I clamp my eyes shut as the curtains are pulled from the windows and light floods the room. What time is it? Doesn't matter. I'm not going anywhere. "Jill. This is enough. You've been in here for weeks. Don't you think it's time you got up?" I shake my head. "Well I do. Come on. You're going to shower. You're going to wash yourself up. I'm going to dress you. You're going to actually eat something. And we're going to go out today."

"Go away Sasha."

"I will not. I've been tiptoeing around you for weeks and I'm not doing it anymore. You look terrible. You need some sun and that's exactly what you're getting today. I don't want any excuses. I'll even wash you myself if I have to." Fed up with her rambling I heave myself out of bed and stomp to my bathroom. I slam the door and lock it behind me. Once my anger subsides I sigh. I may as well take the stupid shower since I'm in here anyway. I start the water and take off my nightgown, careful not to look at my body. I've lost quite a bit of weight in the last month and I know I look hideous.

I wash up and dry myself off, hitching a towel under my arms and walking back into my bedroom. Sasha's already got a dress picked out for me. I grab it and throw it on, not caring to see which one it is. If she wants to take me out, fine. No one said I had to enjoy myself. Once I'm dressed she runs a brush through my hair and pins it up. I cross my arms and glare at the floor as I follow her down to the kitchen, where to my surprise, food is already waiting for me.

"We're staying here until you eat every bite. And I won't have you arguing with me. So just do it." I grumble as I force down the food. Which actually tastes really good, not that I would tell Sasha that. After I've eaten to her satisfaction she takes my arm and leads me out of the house. We live a few miles outside of town so I follow along behind her as she heads in that direction. She doesn't say anything to me and I don't say anything to her. I'm still angry that she's pulled me out of bed to go into town. I'd have been content with staying in bed for a few more months.

Throughout the day I complain about the weather and the fact that my dress itches. Sasha ignores that for the most part, dragging me into shop after shop after endless shop. I don't care to see any of this stuff. The only thing I want to see is gone, so I couldn't care less about all this other stuff. "I just need to head to the post office and we can go back." I thank my lucky stars that this will be over soon. It almost makes me want to be half pleasant. Almost.

As Sasha does her business at the post office I sit outside. I'd forgotten how good the sun feels on my skin. The bell above the door dings and Sasha comes over to me and hands me an envelope. "What's this?"

"I don't know. The Post Master just told me to give it to you. It's got your name on it." I look down at it, and sure enough, it does. I don't recognize the messy handwriting.

"I'll open it at home. Come on. I wanna go." Sasha links my arm and walks with me back home. On the way back I think about how horrible I'm being to her. I know she's only trying to help me, but I wish she'd go another way about doing it. I'm afraid to start living again. Afraid that it means I'm moving on and forgetting him. And that scares me. I can't forget him. He's all I had.

"Thanks for letting me take you out today, Jill. I know I didn't go about it in the nicest way, but I think a push is what you needed." I shake my head and offer a small smile.

"Don't worry. I'm sorry I've been rotten to you today. You're only trying to help." She nods.

"That's really all I'm trying to do. I know it's going to take time for you to move on and I'm not going to push that, but I really think you should start living your life again. Living doesn't mean forgetting, sweetheart." A tear falls down my cheek.

"I'm afraid to start living because he's not here to live with me." She stops in the middle of the road and takes me in her arms. It's been so long since I've let anyone touch me, and I find that I've really needed it. I find myself actually hugging her back.

"You never have to forget him if you don't want to. He's here watching over you. Don't you think it's making him sad that you're shutting yourself away from everyone?" I'd never really thought about it like that.

"I don't know. Maybe." Sasha smiles at me and takes my hand, swinging it in between us as we walk the rest of the way home. I ask her to stay for the night and she agrees. In truth, I've missed Sasha. I've been missing a lot of people. Maybe after today I'll finally be able to reconnect with my family.

After we get back to my house we drop Sasha's stuff in my room and I toss the envelope on my side table without looking at it, where it's soon forgotten. I spend the night catching up with Sasha, even smiling and laughing at some points. It's hard not to be happy with her. She's like a ball of happiness. I learn that Marc proposed to her and they're getting married next spring. I'm happy for them, but I can't help but feel sorry for myself. She moves on to lighter topics before my mood completely takes a wrong turn.

Finally at 2 AM we fall asleep, exhausted. It was a long day for me. I'm glad that Sasha made me go out today. Without that shove in the right direction I probably wouldn't have gotten out of bed today. Hopefully the trend sticks and I'll finally be able to start living. It scares me, but it's something that I need to do. Not only for me, but for Emmett. I'm sure if he were here right now he wouldn't like what he's been seeing of me this past month. With that last thought I fall asleep, happier than I've been in weeks.

The Impossibility Of Sensibility, Chapter 8

"Jill? You awake?" I open my eyes to see Emmett staring at me.

"What time is it?"

"A little after 8."

"What are you doing here? I haven't called you yet."

"Sasha called me. She told me that you need to talk to me." Damn her. I roll over so my back is to Emmett. He jumps over me and lands in front of me on the bed.

"I don't want to talk right now. Go away."

"Jilly, come on, please?" Childishly I yank the blanket over my head, ignoring him. I hear him laugh and tug lightly at the blanket. "Jill, come on. I want to know why you're upset."

"I never said I was upset."

"Sasha said you cried last night. That sounds like upset to me, love." Damn her again.

"I don't care anymore."

"Is it because of this weekend?"

"No."

"I don't believe you."

"What did Sasha say to you?" Knowing her, it could have been anything.

"Well, let's just say she wasn't very polite. She told me that if I were any kind of fiance that I'd stay home with you. But you told me that it's okay to go. So I'm confused." I huff out a sigh and pull the blanket down, looking up at him.

"I'm not upset. I don't care. Go hiking. I'll see you Sunday." I get out of bed and make my way down to the kitchen. Now that I'm up I'm hungry and may as well eat. I know this behaviour is childish and I'm acting like a fool, but I don't care. I was going to give him something really special, and he won't even be around to get it now.

"Jill, wait!" Emmett catches up to me easily and follows me to the kitchen. "Jill, talk to me, please? I don't have to go this weekend. I can save it for next weekend or something. Come on, look at me at least?" I pause just before pouring milk into my cereal.

"It doesn't matter when you go, Emmett. It's the fact that I had planned something for us and you ruined it by making other plans without even asking me if we were going to do something."

"What did you have planned?" I sit down and take a bite of my cereal.

"It doesn't matter now. I don't even want to anymore. So just go hiking and I'll see you Sunday."

"I can't stay today?" I look down at my bowl.

"Not today, okay?"

"Okay. I'll call you when I get back."

"Okay." Emmett kisses my cheek.

"I love you, Jilly."

"You too, Emmett." I stare at my bowl as he walks out of the kitchen. I feel terrible, but I don't feel like being around him. I feel like wallowing in my self pity today. I wonder what to do today and decide to go to my old play house. I haven't gone there in almost a year. I pack a lunch, fully intending to stay the whole day, and take off for the forest behind the house. When I get there I stop to admire it first. The tree has grown in the last year and the leaves make a thick wall around the house.

I have to duck while in the house or else I'd probably be able to stand right through the roof. I shake out the bedroom blanket and lay on it, sighing to myself. Pity party for one? I wipe a few stray tears away and bury my head in the pillow. I take a book out of my bag and flip to the page I left off at. I've read only one chapter before I fall asleep.

*

"Why hasn't he called yet?"

"Relax. He's probably just washing up before he comes to see you."

"But he said he'd call when he got back."

"Then maybe he's gotten back late." I go to pick up the receiver when my mother stops me.

"You've called three times already. Surely if someone were there they would have picked up." I sigh and rest my chin on my hand. It's almost 10 PM and Emmett still hasn't called. I'm about to go get a drink when the phone's ring makes me jump. I yank it off.

"Hello? Emmett?" There's a pause.

"May I speak with Mr or Mrs Marion please?" I hand the receiver over to my mother and head to the kitchen for a drink. When I come back she's looking at me and I'm surprised to see that she looks sad. I set my glass on a table and go over to her, trying to listen in on the conversation.

"Yes, I understand. Thank you. Goodbye." She hangs up and shakes her head.

"What? What's happened?"

"You may want to sit down, darling." No! I don't want to sit down. Why are you looking at me that way?

"What's going on?" She rests her hands on my shoulder.

"Darling, there's a reason that Emmett hasn't called yet." My heart and stomach feel as though someone's dunked them into acid.

"What's going on?" She sighs deeply.

"While he was hiking today.. he had an accident. They can't find his body." My knees give out and I sink to the floor. No. No No no no no! Not my Emmett! NO! "They're going to do an investigation, but darling, there was a lot of blood. They're pretty certain that he didn't make it. They think a bear dragged him off."

"Stop it! Stop it right now!" I get up and run out of the house, not caring where I'm going. This can not be happening. He said he would call! He said it! I run until I trip over something, and when I'm down, I stay down. I have no need or want to get up. I have nothing left to get up for. My Emmett is gone. And he's taken me with him.

I lay for what felt like hours, but could have only been minutes, until I hear my name being called. I hear footsteps walk toward me and stop a few feet from me. "Jill." Arms scoop me up and carry me back from the way I'd come. I don't know who it is, and I don't care. All I know is that it's not Emmett. He'll never hold me again.

I drift off as I'm being carried back to my house. The light wakes me up and I open my eyes. My mother and father are both sitting in the sun room, so I assume Greg is carrying me. "I've got her. I'll get her upstairs." I doze off again and I'm asleep before I hit my bed.