It's been a month since that night. A month since my life was ripped from me. I've been useless and lazy. My mother's been understanding but I can tell it's getting to her. I should care, but I just don't. I can't, not anymore. I stopped caring about anything the night Emmett died.
I hear my door bang open and I cringe. Then I clamp my eyes shut as the curtains are pulled from the windows and light floods the room. What time is it? Doesn't matter. I'm not going anywhere. "Jill. This is enough. You've been in here for weeks. Don't you think it's time you got up?" I shake my head. "Well I do. Come on. You're going to shower. You're going to wash yourself up. I'm going to dress you. You're going to actually eat something. And we're going to go out today."
"Go away Sasha."
"I will not. I've been tiptoeing around you for weeks and I'm not doing it anymore. You look terrible. You need some sun and that's exactly what you're getting today. I don't want any excuses. I'll even wash you myself if I have to." Fed up with her rambling I heave myself out of bed and stomp to my bathroom. I slam the door and lock it behind me. Once my anger subsides I sigh. I may as well take the stupid shower since I'm in here anyway. I start the water and take off my nightgown, careful not to look at my body. I've lost quite a bit of weight in the last month and I know I look hideous.
I wash up and dry myself off, hitching a towel under my arms and walking back into my bedroom. Sasha's already got a dress picked out for me. I grab it and throw it on, not caring to see which one it is. If she wants to take me out, fine. No one said I had to enjoy myself. Once I'm dressed she runs a brush through my hair and pins it up. I cross my arms and glare at the floor as I follow her down to the kitchen, where to my surprise, food is already waiting for me.
"We're staying here until you eat every bite. And I won't have you arguing with me. So just do it." I grumble as I force down the food. Which actually tastes really good, not that I would tell Sasha that. After I've eaten to her satisfaction she takes my arm and leads me out of the house. We live a few miles outside of town so I follow along behind her as she heads in that direction. She doesn't say anything to me and I don't say anything to her. I'm still angry that she's pulled me out of bed to go into town. I'd have been content with staying in bed for a few more months.
Throughout the day I complain about the weather and the fact that my dress itches. Sasha ignores that for the most part, dragging me into shop after shop after endless shop. I don't care to see any of this stuff. The only thing I want to see is gone, so I couldn't care less about all this other stuff. "I just need to head to the post office and we can go back." I thank my lucky stars that this will be over soon. It almost makes me want to be half pleasant. Almost.
As Sasha does her business at the post office I sit outside. I'd forgotten how good the sun feels on my skin. The bell above the door dings and Sasha comes over to me and hands me an envelope. "What's this?"
"I don't know. The Post Master just told me to give it to you. It's got your name on it." I look down at it, and sure enough, it does. I don't recognize the messy handwriting.
"I'll open it at home. Come on. I wanna go." Sasha links my arm and walks with me back home. On the way back I think about how horrible I'm being to her. I know she's only trying to help me, but I wish she'd go another way about doing it. I'm afraid to start living again. Afraid that it means I'm moving on and forgetting him. And that scares me. I can't forget him. He's all I had.
"Thanks for letting me take you out today, Jill. I know I didn't go about it in the nicest way, but I think a push is what you needed." I shake my head and offer a small smile.
"Don't worry. I'm sorry I've been rotten to you today. You're only trying to help." She nods.
"That's really all I'm trying to do. I know it's going to take time for you to move on and I'm not going to push that, but I really think you should start living your life again. Living doesn't mean forgetting, sweetheart." A tear falls down my cheek.
"I'm afraid to start living because he's not here to live with me." She stops in the middle of the road and takes me in her arms. It's been so long since I've let anyone touch me, and I find that I've really needed it. I find myself actually hugging her back.
"You never have to forget him if you don't want to. He's here watching over you. Don't you think it's making him sad that you're shutting yourself away from everyone?" I'd never really thought about it like that.
"I don't know. Maybe." Sasha smiles at me and takes my hand, swinging it in between us as we walk the rest of the way home. I ask her to stay for the night and she agrees. In truth, I've missed Sasha. I've been missing a lot of people. Maybe after today I'll finally be able to reconnect with my family.
After we get back to my house we drop Sasha's stuff in my room and I toss the envelope on my side table without looking at it, where it's soon forgotten. I spend the night catching up with Sasha, even smiling and laughing at some points. It's hard not to be happy with her. She's like a ball of happiness. I learn that Marc proposed to her and they're getting married next spring. I'm happy for them, but I can't help but feel sorry for myself. She moves on to lighter topics before my mood completely takes a wrong turn.
Finally at 2 AM we fall asleep, exhausted. It was a long day for me. I'm glad that Sasha made me go out today. Without that shove in the right direction I probably wouldn't have gotten out of bed today. Hopefully the trend sticks and I'll finally be able to start living. It scares me, but it's something that I need to do. Not only for me, but for Emmett. I'm sure if he were here right now he wouldn't like what he's been seeing of me this past month. With that last thought I fall asleep, happier than I've been in weeks.
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