03 January 2012

The Impossibility Of Sensibility, Chapter 12

I sigh as I look down at my blank piece of paper. I'm trying to think of something that only Emmett would know. It's hard. Who knows what he's told other people? But who would go through all this trouble, get the doctor to lie to me, and can copy Emmett's hand so perfectly, just to be caught when I ask a hard question? No, it's got to be Emmett.

Dear.. Emmett.

I hope you understand that I need some proof first. So if you're willing, just tell me a few things about me, or you, that only we would know. Then maybe I can think about talking with you again.

Jillian


Good enough. I sigh again and seal the letter in an envelope Dr Cullen gave me. I think about what sorts of things Emmett would tell me. That first night in my room? The next day in my play house? The play house at all? I've still never told anyone about it, but I suppose it's really not that hard to find if you're looking. I mean, Emmett found it without my help, I'm sure someone else could have if they'd really tried. A knock at the door interrupts my musings.

"Jillian? I'm about to take off for the day. Is your letter ready?" I nod and hand it to Dr Cullen. "Is there anything you want me to tell him?" I just shake my head. "You've got some visitors." Just then Sasha walks into the room and Marc leans against the door frame.

"Sasha!" She gives me a hug. "I've missed you."

"I've missed you too, Jill. How are you feeling?"

"All right. Tired I suppose." She sits beside my legs on the bed.

"Have you been sleeping well?"

"Well enough. But enough about me. How are you?" She glances over at Marc, a big smile on her face.

"Actually, we came to tell you that we're expecting!" I look down at her belly, which still looks flat to me.

"Since when?"

"We just found out last week. We had an appointment here today so we thought we'd drop by and say hello." I smile sadly.

"That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you." Marc walks over and takes Sasha's hand.

"We need to go sweetheart."

"I'm sorry, I wanted to stay longer but we've got some things to do before lunch." I shake my head.

"Nonsense. Come as often as you can, okay?" Sasha nods and hugs me again, getting up and leaving with Marc. I can't help but think that none of this is fair. Sasha was never someone that wanted marriage or children, whereas I always was. I've always wanted a family, but my chance was taken away from me. And now Sasha's getting everything I've ever wanted. I feel a string of resentment toward my best friend. I can't help it.

All I have to do is wait until tonight and Dr Cullen will be back and I'll have Emmett's letter. I'll know then for sure if it's really him. I wonder what I'm going to do if it is. I have so many questions for him. Why haven't you called me? Why isn't it safe to see me? When will I get to see you? Soon my thoughts turn to other things, like my birthday. I'll be 18 at the end of next week. I wonder if they'll let me outside since it's a special day.

I pick up my book and continue reading where I left off last night. I don't get far when there's a knock and a nurse comes in with a tray. I grimace. They're trying to get me to eat at least three times a day but I still can't keep much down. The doctor's don't understand why I can't keep any food down. I've gained almost 15 pounds in the 3 months that I've been here, but all through IV. They won't let me go home until I can eat at least some food. And right now it's not looking good.

Honestly though, I'm afraid to go home. Afraid to be back with all those memories. Here I don't have any. I'm just me here. I'm not Jillian and Emmett, just Jillian. I know after 6 months I should be able to let go and move on, but I just can't. And especially now, knowing that Emmett is alive and well. How can I move on when there's still another chance? I know some would call me stupid to hang on so tightly, but I don't care.

"Hello, dear. How are we feeling this morning?"

"Good." I hate when they say 'how are we feeling'. Like they're stuck like this, too.

"I have some crackers here for you and some milk. You know what to do, right?" I nod and take a cracker from her. I nibble on the end and wait a few seconds. When it doesn't feel like it's going to come back up I take a small bite. I slowly finish the cracker and am quite relieved when I don't have to rush to the bathroom. I take a sip of milk and eat another cracker, happy that I could keep it all down.

"So what's that mean? Can I start eating more?"

"Probably not quite yet, dear. The doctor will probably want to see if you can keep some food down multiple times a day. Then he'll think about taking taking your IV out to see if you can get what you need without it. I'll send in a doctor to explain it all to you better."

"Can you leave a few crackers here?" She smiles and hands me about 3 of them. I decide not to push my luck yet and wait a couple hours before attempting another one. I'm quite proud of myself when it comes lunch time and I haven't thrown up at all today. I wonder why that is but don't put too much thought to it. My body is probably just tired of being stuck here and wants out. My brain can't blame it. It was ready to leave a long time ago.

My luck runs out after supper, 8 crackers later, when I have to rush to the bathroom. I'm assured that I made excellent progress today but I can't help but feel that I'm failing. If I can't keep 8 crackers and a few sips of milk down, how am I ever going to eat normally before getting out of here? It's starting to feel like I'll be in here forever. After my bathroom visit I'm too tired to wait for Dr Cullen to bring me Emmett's letter so I just fall right to sleep.

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